


Burn

by kylosoloed



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Depression, F/M, Lots of Crying, Love, Song Lyrics, Struggle, curse words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-13
Updated: 2018-01-13
Packaged: 2019-03-04 05:14:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13357260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kylosoloed/pseuds/kylosoloed
Summary: Kylo tries to deny his feelings for Rey, but majorly struggles during the process.**Heavily inspired by the song "Burn" by The Cure.**





	Burn

Ever since Rey and I touched hands through the force, I can’t seem to get her out of my mind. It drives me crazy. I don’t want to be in love. I don’t want her to fall for me. I don’t want stupid attachments. “I don’t want this!” I screamed, launching my lightsaber while trying to resist the urge to fucking destroy my quarters. Sheathing my saber, I let it fall to the floor as I did the same, landing on my knees. I took my replacement helmet off and threw it across the room. I had to get a new one after I destroyed my original one. Tugging at my hair while I ran my fingers through, I tried to resist the urge to rip it all out. I’m so frustrated and confused. I haven’t been this way since I had the light and dark conflict in me. Of course, though, it’s fucking back. This on top of the shit with Rey, I’m going to lose my mind. Activating my saber once more, I screamed as loud as my lungs would let me and threw it as hard as I could against the wall. My breathing was heavy, and it was getting hard to keep my breathing even. For a moment, I thought I was going to pass out, but my mind seemed to interrupt with something else.  


_“Don’t look, don’t look” the shadows breathe…_

Rey. I see her, and I’m in her mind. I don’t want to know the truth, dammit. Yes, you do. “No, I don’t!” I yelled, trying to block out that part of my mind that was trying to take control. Breathe. Just breathe, Kylo. I’m trying as hard as I can, but I just can’t stay out of her thoughts and memories.  


_“Don’t wake at night to watch her sleep”, you know that you will always lose…_

I never can sleep at night. The only way I can ever get to sleep is by connecting to her without her noticing. She’s so beautiful. So peaceful. The loneliness I once sensed in her has subsided. She feels… happy. Content. And it’s because of me. Her lips twitch slightly into a small smile, which makes my mind immediately go to her dreams. She’s dreaming of our hands touching. “Again?” I whisper under my ragged breathing, still not calmed down from my episode. Every time I’m in her dreams, it’s always this same moment. Never any different- always the same.  


_Every night I burn, every night I call your name…_

Ripping myself from her mind, I get another sudden burst of anger. “I am Kylo Ren. I will not be plagued by this foolish game my mind is playing!” I was screaming again. That felt like the only way I could truly get my anger out. My lightsaber was still on the floor, activated. I walked over and picked it up, slashing the nearest piece of furniture in reach of my saber. “You’ll never make her happy! You’ll only hurt her! You can never be what you want!” I slashed at the piece of furniture after every word I shrieked until I was just cutting through ash and debris.  


_“Oh, don’t talk of love” the shadows purr. Murmuring me away from you…_

In that moment, standing there, staring at the pile of furniture I destroyed, I realized that I was lying to myself no matter what. I did love her. The shadows inside my head were over bearing. I couldn’t even hear myself think. I sheathed my lightsaber, dropped it, and cupped my hands over my ears, trying to make the voices stop. “Stop! Go away! I can’t handle it!” My voice was starting the crack because of how much I was screaming and yelling. The shadows’ voices are too loud. I can’t bear it. Dropping to my knees, I felt burning hot tears stream down my face. “Stop!” The shadows always did this. Why me? What did I do to deserve this pain? “Please, just stop.” I whispered as I fell face first into the metal floor, clamping my eyes shut and still covering my ears, as if the shadows were going to listen to my pathetic pleas.  


_“Don’t talk of worlds that never were. The end is all that’s ever true. There’s nothing you can ever say, nothing you can ever do…”_

The voices came to an abrupt stop. My eyes widened, and all I could see were the fake worlds I had come up with in my mind. As if they could ever happen. Rey and I would never be a thing. We never will. It will only weaken me to the point of breakage. I am dark. Nothing but darkness surrounds me. She can’t and won’t have that in her life if I have a decision in the matter. Even though I was thinking these thoughts, the only thing I could really focus on was the vision of Rey and I together with nothing but light and happiness surrounding us. “I hate her.” I whispered, my voice slowly raising. “She means nothing to me. She never will!” My voice croaked, giving out when I tried to cry out the last few words.  


_Still every night I burn, every night I scream your name.. Every night I burn, every night the dream’s the same.. Every night I burn, waiting for my only friend.. Every night I burn, waiting for the world to end…”_

As I lay there on the floor, feeling useless and worthless, like nothing could ever budge the dark cloud that surrounded me, I felt more tears stream down my already soaked face. I looked at the clock and saw that it was almost time to start my daily bullshit that will never accomplish anything. “I’m nothing.” I whispered and shut my eyes, whimpering at the thought of this happening again every night, no matter how hard I try not to.  


_“Just paint your face” the shadows smile, slipping me away from you.. “Oh, it doesn’t matter how you hide- find you if we’re wanting to.. So, slide back down and close your eyes, sleep a while you must be tired.”_

I stood up, changed my robes into some fresh ones, and put my helmet on. My eyes were burning from all the tears I shed. I was tired. There was no lying to the shadows about that. I needed to rest, but I already spent the time I could rest having a breakdown. Pressing the button for the doors to my quarters to open, I walked out into the abyss of halls on the First Order’s ship.  


\--------  


After all my duties were finished for the day, I returned to my quarters, closing the door behind me, put my back against it and slid down to the floor. The tears started pouring.  


_Every night I burn, every night I call your name.. Every night I burn, every night I fall again.. Every night I burn, scream the animal scream…_

I removed my helmet and set it down beside me. The shadows were coming back. I could sense it. “Please.. Just let me have one peaceful night.” I pleaded in between gasps of air from crying so hard. “I just need some sleep. I just need Rey.” I clutched my helmet, “Please! Just one fucking night.. let me be alone.” I pounded my helmet as hard as I could against my forehead, then opening my eyes and staring into the black holes of the eyes. “What have I become?” I questioned as I stared at nothing, just feeling the tears stream down my face. “I-I love you, Rey. Forgive me, but I cannot be what you want. There is no good left inside of me. I am damned no matter what I try to do to fix my mistakes.” The last thing I heard in my head before I finally drifted to sleep was Rey pleading for me to answer her.


End file.
